I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize