Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
