roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Randomize