the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
