Dude my mom stole all your condoms
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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