First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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