Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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