Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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