i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize