planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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