I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
