from now on my penis is your penis
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
