Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize