This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
