She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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