pop tarts are not kleenex
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
