I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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