the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
