These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
