If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
