Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
