I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
