She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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