I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
