I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
