Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
