it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
