The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
