I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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