It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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