The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
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