you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
