saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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