remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
