How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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