i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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