I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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