is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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