Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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