paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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