My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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