Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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