Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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