Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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