Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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