I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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