I need help removing her.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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