Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You took a bar mat shot.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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