I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
