I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
