i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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