There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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