I think i peed on brittanys purse
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
