and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
