peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize