I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
