he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
