Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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