I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
