Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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